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Latest News and Blog Posts from Wayne “Pendragon” Owens.
From The Bookshelf: Let’s Pretend This Never Happened ( A Mostly True Memoir)
Anyone who is not reading The Bloggess’s Blog really needs to start. Jenny is a wonderful writer, and her insane posts are the highlight of the week.
Basically Go read her BLOG!!
No Wait. come back. Let me tell you about her book first, then go read her blog. Because once you start reading you will become a fan. Then as a fan you will want to read her book to find out what made Jenny into TheBloggess.
And believe me, If you read her book without laughing out loud then you are dead inside, or a zombie. Don’t be a dead inside zombie. Read this book.
Read about the time she defended her dead buried dog from furious vultures with a machete. That’s she had the machete because be serious vultures may be big but there’s no way they could hold and use a machete???
Just read the book, I could make up all sorts of amazing and wonderful things you will read about in the book, but none would be as wonderful as the true stuff thats in there.
So Go now, read her blog while you wait for your copy of her book to arrive.. go.. run.. run like the zombies are after you, or Chupacabra..
I will give this book a 10/10
Societas Rosicruciana in Anglia (S.R.I.A)
This evening I joined the Societas Rosicruciana in Anglia (SRIA).
This is the first completely side order in Masonry I have joined, and one I have been interested in for a few years now, ever since I read about it in “Beyond the craft”. The Order seemed interesting to me, and I have been asking around for information on this order but every Mason I have asked gave the same answer of “I’ve never heard of it!“.
A few weeks ago my father was enthroned into the Most Wise Sovereigns chair of Valle Crucis Chapter Rose Croix, and as the dutiable son I had offered to pick him up after the meeting so he could have a few drinks to celebrate. When I entered the Maesgwyn Hall to collect him several Masonic friends got excited when they saw me and started dragging me into a group. Not to congratulate my father, but to meet the person who had installed him into the chair. They excitedly informed me that he was a member of the order I had been asking about. Within a week, I had gotten an invite and this evening I joined Bishop Wilkins College in the Province of Western Counties and North Wales. Where the Person who had put my father into the chair, was in the chair and initiated me.
From what I learned this evening, and what I can see in the books I received at my initiation this will be a very informative and enjoyable order.
Inmates Assemble
Last night some of the Inmates at the asylum staged an escape, we went over the tunnel and through the wire before making a mad run through torrential rain into England for FREEEEEEEDOM and the Avengers movie. The escapees consisted of, DemonPengu, YoYoMan, Myself and a Hobbit. Why “and a Hobbit?” well I think all good stories should begin with …. and a Hobbit.
Now there may or may not have been an incident with the cinemas WiFi connection, and very poor security *cough* (default password) *cough* But that’s a different story for another time. So Drinks, Popcorn, Chocolate & tickets were collected, and our team of escapees sat down ready to watch the film. And what a film!!!!
What can I say about this film?
Seriously! What can I say, This film is a sequel not only to IronMan I & II but also The Hulk, Thor & Captain America. We are talking five MASSIVE action films all with their own main character, and these five sequels combined into one uber-film. And this is not to mention the other Main (But no individual films yet) characters of Hawk-eye, Black Widow, & Nick Fury.
As you would expect of this film, the action, effects, and heroness* are out of this world (And not just because there was an Alien Army, and two demi-gods involved). All in all, it was everything you would expect in an Action Film!
What you may not expect, and I know I for one did not expect it as the pure comedy gold this film contains. Its rare to hear an entire audience pissing themselves laughing in an action film, and during this film, the audience laughed a LOT!. I have actually been to comedy films where the laughter was not as loud and honest as it was in this film.
So we have, Heroes, Villains, Action, Effects, Comedy, Fantasy Characters, Monsters, Space Army, Spy’s, Soldiers, Secret Organisations, Futuristic exo-armour, Gods, Heartbreak & romance. I was going to say all they were missing was a funny CGI/Animated talking pet until I remembered the Hulk. This film really does have everything!!!
Put simply. The four of us left the cinema after the film, stood outside and seriously considered going back in to see the next showing. And at least two of the Inmates did re-watch it the following night (i.e. tonight). I think that’s testament to its awesomeness all by itself.
*Its a real word. I made it up and decided it is real!
Customer Rant
Because its healthy to vent the spleen!
Now I’m sure I have Blogged about this customer before, but for the life of me I can not remember what name I gave him (Maybe I should keep track of the names I assign people). Anyway today we shall refer to the Customer/Company/Person as Gillid*
Here’s an extract of a Phone conversation that just happened.
Gillid: “Hi, I was told that since TheArchivist* no longer works there you may be able to help me!“
WO: “I may be able to, what’s your problem?”
Gillid: “I have a website where I upload loads of data to it every few months, and our CMS that RedBack* made does not work so TheArchivist normally does it for me!“
WO: “No problem. If you email me the data, and let me know what is what in it, I’m sure I can sort it out for you but getting your CMS fixed may be a good idea. Now I’m not sure what you’ve been charged for the data entry in past…….”
Gillid: “Oh TheArchivist did it all for free!“
WO: “Well we won’t be doing that, you’ll have to pay for our time doing it“
Gillid: “OH. can you give me TheArchivist’s personal email address or phone number?“
WO: “No. I’m not giving out peoples personal info!“
Gillid: “ok. I’ll upload it myself!!!!” *Hangs UP*
Thirty minutes after that phone conversation the Support Department get a ticket from Gillid asking for TheArchivists contact details. They guy is seriously trying to get hold of one of our x-employees in the hope that the guy will do work for him for free while no longer being associated to the Asylum?
And after all that If it was just a quick data import into a mySQL DB I’d have probably only charged him £15 or some nominal price.
As normal Names changed to protect me from lawsuits!
I mean to protect the innocent!
Vaginal Fantasy Hangout
“Once a month four ladies discuss a Vaginal Fantasy book in a G+ Hangout. Interpret at will.”
That’s the premise of this group off their website, and basically that’s what it is. Two months back Felicia Day, Bonnie Burton, Veronica Belmont and Kiala Kazebee* teamed up to do a G+ Hangout where they discussed “Vaginal Fantasy”**, I watched the first one simply because I follow some of those ladies on the Twitters and find them very entertaining. Well individually they may be entertaining, combine them into a group, add a helping of alcohol and you get something where the combined awesomeness outweighs the total of the individual parts.
The hangout was so popular that they created a goodreads group, their own website and set it up to be a monthly hangout. Now since I am male and don’t read those lovey-dovey ladies books I did not read the first group book, but simply watched the second hangout for the comedy and fun of the event. I did feel bad, like I was failing, I had joined the book club so I should read the books, or at least try to start them. So when the book for the third hangout was posted I figured “What the hell!” its only one small book, I can give over a short time to reading it, and if I tell no one then my manliness will be safe.
The book was “Slave to Sensation” by Nalini Singh. OK the title was not the best, and the cover art!!! Lets just say “thank the gods for eBooks and leave it at that” The book itself, well the plot was a bit thin, the “Bad guy” was easily identifiable from the start, and there was a lot of just “blurring over” points, or questions. But Guys that’s not the point of these books apparently, no! they are a quick read, One maybe two nights and you finish the book, so its fast pulp fiction and the main part is the “romance”.
Buy GUYS I have to let you into a secret the GALS have been keeping to themselves, the romance? well it involves SEX, lots of sex. In fact you could call it soft porn***, OK its not images or photographs, but its descriptive scenes. So just a different kind, maybe men traditionally prefer the visual stimulation and women may like the written where it plays out in their mind. So any guy who is told by a woman that porn is wrong, or she does not like it, I suggest that man have a peak at that woman’s book collection.
Hell, Guys, if your partner reads “chick romance books” Have a read yourself the next time they are out and you are alone with their books. Trust me, its worth the experience. And defiantly watch the Hangouts, they are one of the best shows on the interwebz at the minute.
And if you catch me reading any of these VF style books, I can assure you its for “Research Purposes” I’m just checking them out “……for a friend”
Vaginal Fantasy Details.
Website: http://vaginalfantasy.com/
GoodReads Group: http://www.goodreads.com/group/show/62938.Vaginal_Fantasy_Hangout
Videos: You can find these on Felicia’s YouTube channel
- * Four women who belong to that supposedly mythical group “Geek Girls”
- ** This term probably does not mean what you think it does
- *** Yes I know its not really porn, but if you think of it as the stories in “Those” kinds of magazines then it is very similar ;o).
Dear Cold-Callers. Please STOP……….It’s Hammer Time!
Thanks to a push on PPI miss-sales, and attempts to get you to switch service providers (Phone, Internet, Electric, Gas, Water, Etc) plus the usual ones trying to sell Mobile Phone contracts, con you into insuring Sky etc, My incoming phone calls are 90% Cold Callers. This really annoys me because they keep interrupting me and I have added my phone number to the Governments “No cold callers list”, So I’ve now given up all pretense of being a nice polite person who politely turns down their sales pitch.
No my current method of dealing with these drones, (Which I started after the same person phoned me four times in one evening supposedly from two different companies) is to let them start their sales pitch, wait a minute then play a sound clip of
Stop Hammer time
Every time you see me that Hammer’s just so hype
I’m dope on the floor and I’m magic on the mic
Now why would I ever stop doing this
With others makin’ records that just don’t hit
I toured around the world from London to the BAY
It’s Hammer go Hammer
mc hammer yo hammer and the rest can go and play
U can’t touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)
U can’t touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)
U can’t touch this (oh-oh oh-oh-oh)
Yeah u can’t touch this
Then after all that’s played, I return to the phone with a polite “Sorry about that, it was Hammer time”
So far only one cold-caller has remained on the line to hear my response, and she was pissing herself laughing, and i heard her speak in the background “Best call EVER!!“.
I’m hoping MC Hammer can help me cut down on the callers.
I do not think it means what you think it means.
So the press is reporting on “Frankenburger” The worlds first test-tube burger. And how it could revolutionise the food industry, bring an end to world famines (Although how many third world citizens can afford the $200,000 per burger cost I don’t know) and even be eatable by animal lovers. Others are saying that no one would want to eat a bit of flesh created in a lab, Personally my views are “If it looks like Bacon, and tastes like Bacon.. I’m eating it!“. But in all fairness I am a meat eater, and happily admit that I would be the first to eat the dead in an emergency (You have to eat them fast before they go off, so eat the dead first, then emergency rations which last longer)
Hang on, I went off topic there. Oh Animal Lovers.
Its the fact they are claiming Animal lovers will eat it, and that “so called” Animal Lovers interviewed on the news stated it would be better for animals. “Err really?” I think these “Animal lovers” must love animals as much as Vegetarians (Especially the preachy ones). Lets look at the facts.
Fact. Meat for food would be grown in a lab. So Farmers would not make money selling animals for food, so they would not pay for feeding them, or vets bills. Also since the farmer is now not making money they will need to use their land to grow crops or something. So what will happen to all those animals? killed? made extinct?
What use is a pig if you cant eat it? None dairy cattle? and so on. If we stop eating them, then they loose all value. Yes its not nice eating a poor animal, but we eat it after its had a nice lazy life. SO if the preachy Vegetarians had their way and we all stopped eating meat, think of the mass slaughter of animals that would take place. I’m telling you, vegetarians are anti-animals. They are pure evil!!!
+10 Geek Points for getting the Title reference.
People are Stupid.
Well technically I guess that should be “Customers are Stupid“. You do not believe me? Well here are two examples that happened this week.
Example 1:
I was being nice and answered the phone to help out the support guys, and the conversation went a bit like this :-
WO: “Good afternoon How may I help you?“
Customer: “Hi, Yes. I can’t send or receive any emails. its broke!“
WO: “OK. What error are you actually getting?“
Customer: “can not connect to server“
WO: “Ok, are you actually on the Internet?“
Customer: “YES. I am on the Internet doing things, the Internet is fine, it’s just my emails that is broken“
Customer: *noise of many people talking in background* ‘Yes. I’m on the phone to them now. Yes I have email issues. Ok I’ll pass them over to you when my mails sorted‘
WO: “You got other issues there?“
Customer: “Yes, they say we have lost the Internet. So Whats the issue with my emails?“
She honestly thought the fact they were not connected to the Internet had no connection with her problems in sending and receiving emails.
Example 2:
Now this was a ticket the Systems department had. A Customer had not been receiving any email conformation from their website for the last 3 months. And they knew from the orders that they should have had a fair few.
We had been looking into it on and off for a while since a grep of the site showed that it was not set up to actually send emails to the address they insisted received them.
So after many attempts I finally got them to check the header of an old email and give me the actual email address that the emails go to before being forwarded or downloaded to the end account.
So I have the real email address and decide to test it simply to start with. So I log into the account, and there sat in the INBOX are 50+ unread emails from the website.
Turns out they had forgotten to actually download the emails for the last few months.
Seriously, people get an IQ=IQ-100 as soon as they decide to contact our support department.
The Chair of DOOM!
CR: “Chair of DOOM?“
WO: “OK, maybe “Chair of DOOM!” is a bit of an over-exaggeration, but it does have a much better ring than “Chair of Nerves“. Oh, Now i think of it “Chair of Terror” would be a much better title.”
CR: “Then Why dont you change it?“
WO: “Couldn’t be buggered, So just had this imaginary conversation with you to explain how the title could be better!“
CR: “So you just wrote NINTY ONE words to save replacing ONE word in the Title?“
WO: “Yes…. Yes I did!“
Last night was my first meeting as master of a Freemasons Lodge, and we decided to start off with the biggest ceremony we could (A Third for those that know), Nothing like starting big to settle into our new roles easy. In fact a large number of people actually asked me last night “Why did you not start with an easier night? We’d never do a third in our first meeting” And I had no reasonable answer for them, Insanity is not really a reasonable answer or so I am told.
Now I am a naturally shy person (No matter what PlanetPete says) so I find it uncomfortable being the center of attention, so was uneasy in the run up to last night thinking about being in the spotlight, but as we were lining up to walk into the room I was surprised at just how nervous I was. I’m telling you “Chair of Terror” is a good name for it, I’m sure I’ll get used to it, probably just as soon as its my turn to step down and hand the care of it to my successor.
But even with the nerves, the most predominant thought in my head was “When are these guys going to realise I don’t have a clue what I’m doing!“. In my years as a member I’ve always assumed the Master knows what’s going on, has the answers, and so on. But me? I am sat there looking around at people asking me questions, wanting my opinion, all the while as the voices in my head scream “Why are you looking at me?” or “SHIT!!!! they are going to suss me out soon“. I have to say its a very odd feeling sitting there on the big chair.
I should end by saying it all worked out and it was a good night, and no one seemed to suspect I was clueless. So By Bingo I have survived for another time.
Do Geeks Dream of Virtual Sheep?
I had an interesting dream last night, one that may give an interesting peak into my subconscious, or possibly suggest I should be kept under observation for safety reasons. Personally I think it simply backs up that age old quote for the Bible “The Geek shall inherent the Earth“.
I should point out, the start of the dream could have been inspired by the fact I recently watched the whole 1st Season of “Game of Thrones“, And am working my way through the “Wheel of Time” series of Books.
So the dream started with me in a typical fantasy world, of Swords, Knights, horses, normal Medieval technology level. I was in a small land that was being attacked by a bigger neighbor, I have no idea why, the politics of the conflict did not interest me, as much as offering my services as an “adviser”, which helped turn the tide and allow the smaller land to win.
On a side note, its amazing the weapons and traps you can make with just basic technology and modern knowledge. Also charging cavalry get really confused when they come across my medieval version of landmines. Hey it was some fantasy world, there probably wasn’t even a Geneva let alone a Geneva Convention.
Well on the high from our small victory, we went on the offensive to claim damages from the aggressors and increase the size of the country. Alas that’s when bad fortune hit our plucky country, our beloved King died while examining my rudimentary gunpowder grenades. Luckily I had just left the room moments before the accident which also had the misfortune to take out the direct line of airs to the throne. Since we were at war, and needed strong leadership to keep us safe I volunteered my own services as military leader while the lords of the land worked out who should become the new king.
Now I think on it, they never did come up with who should rule the country. I guess they were too busy on the front lines as part of the forced military conscription that we needed to help fight the wars on all fronts. By the time I woke up I had unified three quarters of the land, and given an extra half hour of sleep I’m sure my steam cannons would have made short work of the mountain fortresses of the free people.
I think this dream shows two points.
- Knowledge is Power
- I should not be allowed to rule any country, no matter how small.