As tradition demands, it’s time for the annual reminder of the official survival rules, because nothing says “I value my life” like refusing to behave like a horror‑movie extra.
So, for those wishing to make it safely to Saturday the 14th, please observe the following:
- ❌ Don’t go swimming. Lakes, rivers, ponds… if it’s wet, avoid it.
- ❌ Don’t have sex. Horror‑movie law. I don’t make the rules.
- ❌ Don’t smoke. The killer can smell irresponsibility.
- ❌ Don’t drink. Yes, I know, tragic!!.
- ❌ Don’t go out. The outside world is where the plot happens.
- ❌ Don’t split up. Ever. Even to “just check something.”
- ❌ Don’t run from the killer. They have Olympic‑level cardio.
- ❌ If you trip, get up immediately. Don’t lie there screaming like a Victorian fainting goat.
And above all, for the love of God… TURN ON THE LIGHT before entering any room. Darkness is where the soundtrack gets ominous.
Follow these simple guidelines and you might just survive the day without being chased by a masked man with questionable hobbies.
Stay safe, stay sensible, and for the love of all that is holy… don’t investigate strange noises.