I am increasingly convinced that I’ve once again offended the Gods of Roadworks. There can be no other explanation for the chaos that unfolded last night, so allow me to present the evidence.

I’d been over in Mostyn for a meeting. All perfectly ordinary. I already knew the A55 eastbound was closed, (the very direction I needed) so I’d prepared myself like a seasoned traveller of North Wales: calm acceptance, alternative routes, and the quiet hope that the universe might show mercy. After all, there were several easy options.

Or so I thought.

No sooner had I committed to the simplest alternative route than I found myself plunged into a labyrinth of roadworks, diversions, and closures. It was as if every highway deity had gathered for a committee meeting and declared, “Let’s see how many cones we can throw at this man before he snaps.” (Well the joke is on them, I was never sane to start with!)

By the time I neared home, Waze, which at this point feels less like an app and more like a benevolent household spirit, instructed me to abandon civilisation entirely and head up a narrow mountain track I’d never even noticed before. Now, I’ve learned to trust Waze with the kind of faith usually reserved for prophets, so up the track I went. And thank goodness I did, because later I discovered that the road I would have taken was also closed. Naturally.

As a final flourish, I was treated to the surreal sight of a massive articulated lorry being diverted down a single‑lane, hedge‑lined country road that was barely wide enough for a determined sheep. Part of me wanted to follow it just to witness the inevitable moment it realised its mistake, but by then, I simply wanted to get home before the Gods of Roadworks found a fresh torment to unleash.

Earlier today I was hurtling along a bypass on an emergency mission to acquire coffee — the kind of crisis that demands swift, decisive action.

There I was on a dual carriageway, approaching the section where the road very helpfully provides an entire forest of signs instructing you to get into the correct lane. Left lane peels off to a roundabout, right lane carries on. Simple. Elegant. Fool‑proof. Or so one would hope.

In the left lane: a van, indicating right. In the right lane: an estate car, indicating left. No traffic ahead of them. Plenty of space behind them (courtesy of me, being a considerate and patient soul). A straightforward manoeuvre. One speeds up, the other slows down, they swap, everyone goes home happy.

But no.

The van accelerated to get in front of the estate. The estate, apparently offended by this audacity, accelerated to get in front of the van. The van, equally unwilling to be bested, accelerated again. And so began the Great Lane‑Swap Duel of 2026, two vehicles locked in a petty, pointless drag race toward the point of no return.

And then — the inevitable. Both of them missed their turnings.

The van, realising its folly, had to peel off, loop around the roundabout, and rejoin the road. Mild inconvenience. A lesson learned, perhaps.

The estate, however, sailed majestically past its exit and was condemned to travel many, many miles before the next junction where it could finally turn around and contemplate its life choices.

So, Dear Reader, I put the question to you: Are we, as a species, getting dumber… or have we simply perfected the art of being ridiculous?

Yes I know it’s spelled Karmic, but why miss out on the opportunity of a pun 😉

Last night on my commute home, I came upon a long straight stretch of road that for once was clear of all traffic in either directions (myself excluded) So I got to travel along at the speed limit <cough>slightly over</cough>. There I am, happily travelling along when WHOOSH!!!

A black sports car goes flying past me at least 20 mph over the legal limit, and heading for an unbelievably twisty, winding mountain pass at a seriously unsafe speed. I barely have time to shake my head at the stupidity when a red sporty BMW comes whooshing up as well, but due to oncoming traffic coming out the mountain pass, he has to pull in behind me.

NOTE: I think they were racing, which is stupid and dangerous on normal roads, but on Welsh country roads? which are very twisty and you can not see far ahead, and any bend could be hiding tractors, horse riders, sheep or cows, its fraking stupid!

After the oncoming cars pass, the driver of the BMW decides to overtake, but since we are now entering the pass he can’t, so instead he pulls back in behind me and tries to communicate with me. He flashes his headlights loads, then speeds up so his bumper is almost touching mine, and starts revving his engine with the clutch in to make it roar.

Alas, since I do not speak TrippleD (Dangerous Driving Dick)  I try my best to translate.

• Flashing Headlight: If I recall the highway code, this means Danger? A Warning.
• Bumper to Bumper: No idea, maybe he’s trying to hug me.
• Revving Engine Like mad: Ah, my engine is going to fast?

OK, he is obviously telling me I am driving too fast and I need to slow down. So I do, right down to 30 mph. I believe I guessed the translation correctly as he stops flashing his lights and pulls back a bit. But he keeps doing the revving loudly thing, the poor thing much be worried I will loose control on a bend. SO even thought I am going really slow, I break for every bend, and go round them almost at a crawl.

What seems like hours later (Gods, it seemed to take forever to navigate the pass at a crawl) we reach the end, and my friend hugs me again by going bumper to bumper, then pulls out into the path of oncoming traffic forcing them to practically do an emergency stop, before he shot off up the road and out of sight.

“Gosh darn, that’s a bit dangerous” I announced

I did not expect to see him again, well maybe sticking out of a hedge, or upside down in a ditch. So imagine my surprise when a short while later I turned a bend and came right up behind the TripleD in the red BMW. Now double that surprise when I realise in front of him is the TripleD in the black sports car that blurred past me before the pass. They are both travelling along at a stupid slow speed, because in front of them…

..Was a Farmer, driving a battered old Land Rover. And he was driving practically in the middle of the road blocking both lanes. Whenever a car approached from the other direction, he would pull back into our lane to let them pass before pulling back out to prevent the TripleD’s from overtaking.

I will not lie Dear Constant Reader. I may have given that old farmer a high5, and cheer, there may even have been a tear shed, over the utter brilliance. I felt a kindred spirit with that farmer. Alas I do not believe the TripleD’s understood the great carmic force, they just seemed to be very angry, or giving each other and the farmer hugs. As I said, I do not speak their language.

Drive Safe.

So once again the Men and Women of the North Wales Police force are pushing a campaign to make the roads safer. With a ‘Fatal 5’ series of checks.

In case you are unaware The Fatal 5 are :-

1. Drink/Drug Drive
2. Speeding
3. Not Wearing a Seatbelt
4. Dangerous Driving
5. Using a Mobile Phone

Now We here at The Three Ninjas Temple fully support their attempts to cut down on people breaking those Five dangerous laws. But we feel there Should be a sixth one added to the list (Suicidal Six)

6. Pushbikes

I know that they are allowed on the roads, but Consider it for a minute. To be allowed onto the DANGEROUS and fast roads on either a Motorbike or a Car you have to pass tests, both written and practical. You have to prove you know the Laws, Rules and can travel the highways of this country safely and without causing danger to others.

BUT! If you wish to travel the same roads on a push-bike, you just buy one and start off. You are sharing the road with vehicles that can travel a lot faster than you, and will do a lot of damage to you if you are not careful, yet you need no test or training.

How often have you been driving and seen a cyclist just pull out at a junction without waiting for a gap, Or just going right out on roundabout (I’ve even seen them go the wrong way around them) Because they do not have to learn the rules of the road, or abide by the laws, and worse. They know if they get hit it will be the driver of the cars fault!

Additionally consider the road rage they inspire, by travelling at a crawl on country roads where its impossible to overtake with them right in the middle of the lane, so the drivers of the cars stuck behind them are almost stalling from travelling so slow.

This morning there was one at a crossroads, He wanted to go straight across, but it was a busy road and he was waiting for the traffic to stop so he could cross. But he was waiting in the middle of the road, preventing cars passing on the inside if they were turning left and did not need to wait for a gap. The tail back was for miles, and several cars got annoyed after waiting for ten minutes and were forced into dangerous driving.

I really believe a lot of lives would be saved, if the police included Push Bikes in their campaign. And pulled them over to check they not drunk, on drugs, stupid, and at least know the laws of the road.

I am sure I have done something to offend the God of Roadworks, there is no other explanation for what has been going on for the last few weeks. Let me explain.

My commute to work has been extended for a while now due to multiple roadworks and a diversion. I’ve just managed to time my trips to get me to the office in time when they decide to close a major duel carriageway that I use one my trip.

No problems. I’ll bypass that with a country road I know.

Well that worked for two days then they decided to divert all the traffic from the very busy duel carriageway down the small country road i use. making it basically a car park for hours on end.

Ok. some problems but I can drive over the mountains on a single lane country road that no one uses.

Well that one worked for one day. The following day and there are now three sets of road works on that country road. What have a done? What?

Was it that time I moved all the cones in Whitby? I was just trying to save their lives, they were standing in the middle of the road, they could have been run over? What was it? please, I cant go on…

Hey Guys, Gals, and Constant Readers Lend me your ears.

Oh, I should point out I do not want to use your ears in any weird way. I will not be putting anything into them, before YOU (Yes YOU, you know who YOU are!) ask, Neither do I wish you to rip/cut/remove your ears in any way and throw them at me. In fact I wish I had not started with that famous opening now, and just gone with a more easily defined “Please listen to me for a minute” But, hey ho, you live and learn.

Anyway, I have a Question, and I am aiming it to the parents out there. The question is :-

Does having kids lower your IQ?

Before you parents go nuts and order me to go sit on the naughty step, let me explain by sharing two incidents I have witnessed this week (And its only Wednesday).

Incident 1:

I pulled into a Petrol Station, and got in line to wait for a free Pump. The car in front of my was being filled up by a young lady who looked almost finished. She puts the hose back on the Pump, puts the cap back on her car, all perfectly normal so far. She opened the back door of her car and collected her handbag (Obviously so she could pay inside). At this point her baby must have made a noise at seeing her, since she leans back into the car waves a stuffed rabbit toy about a bit and stands back up, puts her handbag back in the car, gets in and drives off without paying. Now I am positive since she collected her bag she had every intention of paying, but the interaction with her child made her forget she had not paid.

Incident 2:

Driving up a hill on my daily commute (Monday) there is a woman with a pram and a toddler struggling to cross the very busy road. She had made it half way across and was stuck on a small island looking scared. I did the decent thing and stopped to let her across, where upon crossing she turns and starts walking up the hill where 10 yards further up is the School crossing guard to the school she is taking the toddler too.  Now in case you are unfamiliar with School Crossing guards, they have the power to stop all traffic to let people cross the road, So why she did not cross 10 yards further up the hill I do not know. As an aside to this Incident, She was there the following day as well (Tuesday), only she had not got to the point of crossing the road yet, I saw her walk past the Crossing guard down to where the road had a little island and wait to try to cross there.

So I ask you. Does having Children lower your ability to do everyday tasks? enquiring minds want to know!

So we all know* the “One for Sorrow” Poem in one of its many versions.

*Well I am assuming we all know. If not, Where have you been people!!!!

The one I grew up with is most common one :-

One for sorrow,
Two for joy,
Three for a girl,
Four for a boy,
Five for silver,
Six for gold,
Seven for a secret never to be told.

Now. Growing up I was ignorant of the side rule of what to do if you see a single Magpie. I was only illuminated on the subject when I finally asked my sister why she kept saluting magpies.** And she informed me that a single Magpie (Which equals bad luck) can be countered by saluting it.

**For the first fifteen years of my life I just assumed my sister was insane,

Sounds fishy right?

Well Over the years I have looked it up, and It seems to be be a valid superstition. In fact there seems to be many ways of dealing with the evil of a lone magpie. Some of them are :-

• “Hello Mr Magpie” “How is your wife/where is your wife?”, “Good Morning/Evening Sir” This apparently both counters the bad luck and adds an imaginary magpie to the count making it “Two for Joy”
• Say the phrase “I defy thee” seven times.
• Spit three times to avert ill luck.
• Pinch the person you are walking with. If alone pinch yourself
• Salute the Magpie

Well, What I want to know is. What happens if you respond to the single Magpie by hitting it with your car. While its flying (That should give bonus points right??)

Calm down dear its just a blog post!!

The Magpie was not hurt. It was eating on the road when I was driving at it. It took off in one direction, changed its mind and headed towards me, then changed mind again meaning it had not gained height or distance and its tail-feathers slapped against my cars windscreen.

so if a salute changes bad luck to good luck. does hitting a bird flying in the sky change it from bad luck to AWESOME LUCK

ERRR. just asking for a friend.

Ok, so you are probably looking at the title of this post and wondering “WTF is he on about now?” or maybe you think its a GM crop style post. Well Whatever is going through your mind right about now I bet its not what the content of this post is actually about.

So this morning on my daily commute to the Insane Asylum I was stuck behind a white van with a very odd logo on it and the term GEA United. *one second, I took a photograph to show you guys, and to check later to make sure I had not finally gone Insane* (Editor: “What’s do you mean gone?“)

If you look closely (Or embiggen it) you will notice the picture seems to be of a Black and Orange cow being chased off by a bunch of normal Black/White cows. Obviously the Orange cow is not a natural creature so it must have been Genetically Engineered, and since it is clearly running for its life, The other Cows must be attacking it because of its difference. Calling them Nazi Cows may be a bit strong, but we here at the Three Ninjas Temple have never been scared to speak our minds.

Since the Picture undoubtedly represents the oppressions and bullying that Genetically Engineered Animals have to deal with on a daily basis, the name “GEA United” becomes simple to work out. Genetically Engineered Animals United. Its some support group created to be the voice of the oppressed, and help out where they can. A worthy goal I say, for we can not let the Nazi Cows rule the world.

Yes, I know there is some editing of the photo, I have removed the license plate and phone numbers from the vehicle to help protect the vital work done by GEA United. So some of you may be thinking I coloured in the cow Orange, to you people I say two things, firstly “What kind of person would colour a cow Orange??” and secondly “here, I found this logo on the interwebz.”

I would like you all to now take a moment out of your busy day and spare a thought about the heroic work done by these guys, and maybe make a donation the next time you see a oddly coloured talking animal out with a collection jar/bucket/tin.

I am sorry I have to break this sad news to you Dear Constant Readers, but alas due to some bad judgement on the behalf of the jolly fat man, Christmas this year is cancelled.

You see, as I was driving home from work the other night, in the dark, on icy roads Santa’s sleigh pulled out of a junction directly in front of me. It was only my superior driving skills that prevented a head on collision.  I should interject here that Santa’s ride has gone down a bit since I was a kid, he’s replaced all the reindeer with a landrover (Which as a founding member of the reindeer liberation front, I fully support) and well the sleigh is looking rough, like someone just nailed a few bits of MDF onto a trailer and stapled a few Christmas tree lights to it!

Anyway, He almost caused me to crash, and the UK laws of road rage state I MUST hunt him down and stab him. Now, Give him his due’s he is a wily old fox is Santa. He seems to have hired a load of body doubles (I wonder if he got the idea from Sadam) It just means I have more work to do, on a side note I am running out of places to bury the bodies…

Merry Cancelled Christmas.