The annoying constant PPI phone calls have finally reduced to just the occasional one every few weeks.

But the peace is not to be enjoyed as the “Have you or anyone there had or been involved in a traffic accident in the last three years” calls have risen to take their place. And these guys are much more aggressive.

• “Have you or anyone there had or been involved in a traffic accident in the last three years”
• “They must have”
• “someone there will have had some accident. ask them now!”
• “There WILL BE SOMEONE.”

So the other day after a dozen calls in under a hour, from the same number. Someone who will remain nameless may have gotten a tad annoyed.

NO!

So you have been in a accident in the last three years because……

I am not to blame!!!!!

So what kind of accident were you involved in?

Heart FM’s fault to be exact.

If they had not put on Justin Beaver, I would not have had to take my eyes off the road to try and make it stop. Gods I had to make it stop. So how was I supposed to see the car ahead of me stop sharply?

NO!

I managed to stop the hideous music and lookup in time to swerve off the road, and I missed them. The issue is with the Bus Stop.

Well most managed to jump or run out of the way.

It was just the pregnant nuns that could not waddle out the way fast enough.

Yes, Nuns. You know those odd women who dress up as penguins and are all married to the same guy?

I know some say its an odd fetish, but personally I think it has to be some weird cult.

I have nothing against fetishes myself, nothing wrong with a bit of bdsm.

BDSM?

What, hang on.

BDSM, you know like 50 shades but much less rapey!

My safe word is Pineapple!

FUCK OFF YOU FREAK!!!

*CLICK*

*buzzing on phone*

Hello?

Hello?

Anyone there?

Pineapple!!!!

Oddly.

That was the last such call we had. And there has been none since.

The world is an odd place..

Thanks to a push on PPI miss-sales, and attempts to get you to switch service providers (Phone, Internet, Electric, Gas, Water, Etc) plus the usual ones trying to sell Mobile Phone contracts, con you into insuring Sky etc, My incoming phone calls are 90% Cold Callers. This really annoys me because they keep interrupting me and I have added my phone number to the Governments “No cold callers list”, So I’ve now given up all pretense of being a nice polite person who politely turns down their sales pitch.

No my current method of dealing with these drones, (Which I started after the same person phoned me four times in one evening supposedly from two different companies) is to let them start their sales pitch, wait a minute then play a sound clip of

Stop Hammer time

Every time you see me that Hammer’s just so hype
I’m dope on the floor and I’m magic on the mic
Now why would I ever stop doing this
With others makin’ records that just don’t hit
I toured around the world from London to the BAY
It’s Hammer go Hammer
mc hammer yo hammer and the rest can go and play
U can’t touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)
U can’t touch this (oh-oh oh oh oh-oh-oh)
U can’t touch this (oh-oh oh-oh-oh)
Yeah u can’t touch this

Then after all that’s played, I return to the phone with a polite “Sorry about that, it was Hammer time”

So far only one cold-caller has remained on the line to hear my response, and she was pissing herself laughing, and i heard her speak in the background “Best call EVER!!“.

I’m hoping MC Hammer can help me cut down on the callers.

Arggghhh!!!

I currently have a week off work.

Unfortunately, I’ a stuck in the house on the first day due to builders. It is a lovely, hot, sunny day, and all is nice in the world apart from telesales people from India!

The first one this morning spent about 30 minutes trying to sell me a different phone provider in very broken English and with only about 6 actual sentences. He used these few sentences to answer every one of my statements.

They were: –

• “we have online billing”
• “you keep the bt line”
• “you want 1 month trial”
• “i sign you up yes”
• “you save money”

It was great.

Then 10 minutes after I got rid of him,  his manager phoned me up because apparently he had told him that I said I was interested.

30 minutes later, another Indian call center phoned (it could have been same one, who can tell?) and tried selling me a different phone service again.

Then there were three people selling loans, another two with phones, and several I couldn’t even work out what they were selling.

Finally some woman phoned offering me a loan. I say no!

5 minutes later, her manager phones to sign me up to the loan she said I wanted. I said no again, he asked why and I pointed out even if he was offering me free money, I would say no because of the stupid amounts of phone calls I have received today from Indian telesales people.

When my rant finished he apologized, tried to explain how its not their fault, its all to do with computers and randomness and the badness of some companies. He said I was a very nice man, and it had made his day to talk to such a nice man, and did I know anyone he could phone up offering loans too?

Oh the temptation….