I would like to wish all my English friends a very Happy St George’s day.

BUT GUYS!!! He killed a dragon?

And animal cruelty is just not fun! especially when its to an awesome animal.

PS. If you tell me He’s ok because dragons are mythical creatures are not real, then I shall just point out that you are celebrating the day of a man who killed something that doesn’t exist, so he is either a liar or on drugs….  Or he too does not exist….

Check Mate!

Wait?

What?

“Live Gnome Inside”? WTF? Have I fallen into an episode of the twilight zone or something. Live Gnome Inside? what is gong on?

“LET ME OUT!!”

what was that? anyone else hear that?

“GET ME OUT OF HERE”

What? is anyone one else hearing voices? Ok, why is there a live Gnome in a Box? Why do I have a Box? Why do I have a Live Gnome?

“OI YOU. I SEE YOU. GET ME OUT OF HERE!

“ABOUT TIME YOU LET ME OUT!”

Who are you? What is going on? Am I finally going Insane?

“I’M THE HAMMER GNOME”

you say that like it means something?

“YOU NEVER HEARD OF THE BATTLE GNOMES?”

No, Never. Who are you? What are you? What is going on? Where did you come from? And why do you talk in shouting? why do you talk?

“I’M A BATTLE GNOME. WE HAVE MANLY VOICES!”

Right, that explains everything. *starts dialing the men in the white coats*

“I HEAR YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING TROUBLE FROM SOME EVILGOTHGNOME. WELL IF YOU CHECK THE CARD IN THE BOX, @MAGUIREPETE AND HIS FAMILY SENT ME TO SORT OUT THAT GNOME WITH MY BIG HAMMER. WHERE BE HE?”

Well that explains everything. The @EvilGothGnome is at home, I will take you to see him later. Remind me to thank @MaguirePete and to check into how much it costs to get psychological testing.

I sense interesting times ahead.

I got hit with one of those FaceBook meme’s (Thanks @MaguirePete) and as I was posting the status update, it occurred to me that it would be a great excuse for a blog post.

But wait! Not only am I copying what I posted on Facebook here, for a limited time only I am also giving small explanations to my answers, Yes Dear Constant Reader, its the New and Improved set of answers I gave on Facebook, for no extra cost.

7 interesting/uninteresting facts you may or may not know about me.

1) I am Mentioned or Acknowledged in several Education books around the world.

For example: I have been acknowledged for my assistance in a book on Information Technology in the e-learning environment of Library services, I am mentioned along with my “Insanity Test” in a few Psychology Textbooks, and books on using comedy in dealing with mental illness. And My RLF stuff has been in several children’s books on Christmas, and in a couple of Brazilian schoolbooks on learning English (cos I iz do writ gud!) Not to mention the Papers and Dissertations I get credited in, Not bad for a waster really.

2) I was asked to join Mensa when I was 15

Not much to say about this. I sat one of their tests out of curiosity. Then spent a year getting multiple letters from them asking me to join. I never did join because they seemed too needy.

3) As a teenager I took part in an European wide NATO WarGames

I spent several years in the Army Cadet Force (They let me play with guns) and one year our weekend camp coincided with a large NATO exercise covering most of Europe. And as a treat, some of us were allowed to join in, albeit in a small way. I therefore got to spend an evening manning the Guard Post at the main entrance to a Military Camp, a job I would like to say I fulfilled to the best of my ability. I would like to say that, but at one point 4 soldiers approached the gate slightly drunk. I requested their ID because “War Games = High Security” and the back 2 pointed at the others and said “Its OK they are with us”, so I asked for their IDs only to have the 1st 2 say “Its OK they are with us”. I should have refused them entry, called for an real soldier and followed orders. But come on, I was a young teenager, they were BIG drunk soldiers. I did the only thing a kid in my position could do, I allowed them to bribe me and my fellow cadet guard with beer in exchange for looking the other way. So I took part in NATO WarGames, but I was bribed into neglecting my duty and breaching security.  GO ME!!!

4) I once failed a Computerised Personality Test at a Job Interview, it came back with “ERROR:”

I went for a job interview many years ago, and after the normal Greetings, Interview Questions, Q&A that you normally get at Job Interviews, I was asked did I mind sitting a Personality Test. I believe they were checking candidates had the right personality for the role. So I sat in a room, in front of a computer that asked me questions. I should point out there were no right or wrong answers, it was a how do you feel about X test. SO I sat it, said my goodbyes and left.  I got a call from them later that day asking could I come back in later in the week (Which I figured was good, a second Interview). When I returned I was informed that they wanted me to resit the personality test because of reasons they would not tell me until after. I figured it must have said I was not fully suitable for role, but because I interviewed good they were giving me second go. SO I resat test. And as I was leaving I asked “so why the retest?” which is when I was informed that my first test failed and basically responded “Error:” Yup, in a test with no wrong answers my result was ERROR.

5) I am not 100% sure of which day I was born on.

I have explained this in the past in the post One More than the Queen of England. but because TLDR;

It turns out that it was a very long and painful labor, and I was a home birth (a uncommon occurrence at the time). Also the Midwife was not that good, and forgot to fill in the forms at the time. She also banged my head repeatedly against the bed, but that’s a different story. So basically everyone was tired, exhausted, and under belief that the midwife did her job. It was only later when it came time to register my birth they realised they were unsure of the date. My father, Mother & Nian (Grandmother) all believed different days.

6) I have won shooting competitions.

Does this need any further explanation? During my time in the Cadets I took part in, and won several shooting competitions. 

7) I have been invited onto TV Shows & Documentaries as an “Expert Guest” (But I decline because I’m shy)

I get a fair bit of emails from TV or Film Companies saying they are filming a Show/Documentary  on X and would I like to be on the panel of experts. I occasionally get similar ones from Radio or Magazine people as well. I can only assume my details are on some globally shared list? I mostly get them for things Geek, Goth or Vampire related. I keep all the requests in a folder, which I look at every now and then and think “oh the infamy I could have if I was not such a shy, retiring sort”.

So Apparently this is a thing.

“Throwback Thursday” is where you post a picture from your distant past on some form of Social Media. So I guess I should at least do it once 😉

One of my first appearances in a Newspaper (And not in the most wanted section) Back when I was but a young boy being entertained by a very dodgy looking librarian!

1. Do you collect anything? If so, what?

Good Question Wayne. Do I collect anything? Does the broken dreams and crushed souls of people who have upset me count? No? Ok Then I do not collect anything, well apart from Books, Computer Games, Knives, Dice (New one I just decided), And timelords.

2. Coffee or tea?

Coffee!!!! for Tea is the most foulest creation every created by Man!!! err, apart from that Justin Beaver kid. Ok Tea is the second foulest thing created By Mankind… Apart from Reality TV… Ok, Tea is the third foulest thing… Oh Screw It. the answer is COFFEE!!!!

3. Which of these things would you find hardest to give up for a year? Chocolate, reading, coffee or smoking?

Well I do not smoke so that would be the easiest to give up for a Year. Chocolate would be next easiest.. Ok so it comes down to Reading or Coffee. Now I did give up coffee for a while once, until several Co-Workers forced me to restart for Health & Safety concerns. Hum? Can I still drink highly caffeinated drinks? Also. How come decaffeinated is a word but according to my spell check caffeinated is not??

4. What is the first word that comes into your mind when you see the word “tree”?

KILL!!!

Well in fairness, that’s always the first word that pops into my head in relation to everything. I am very much a Shoot first, Stab later kind of guy!

5. Who is number one on your “allowed list”?

I am Single *BIG SIGH* *Slight Tear* So technically every woman I fancy is on my “Allowed List”. And If I was taken then I would not have a list because I am a very faithful and loving person *Looks Around and thinks This should help with the ladies!*

6. Where in the world would you like to visit and why?

An off-license. Basically because I have no beer, and I want beer. So I would like to visit an off-license and get some beer. Or maybe ComicCon? Or DefCon, Or BlackHat, HoPE, Pax… They do have Beer at cons right???

7. If you could do any job in the world what would it be?

Felicia Days Husband. That’s a Job right? Oh maybe I should have put Her as top of my allowed list. Nah, I like my answer to that question, and besides I have already answered it and I can not go back and change my mind because time travel has not yet been invented.

8. Do you prefer to be totally organised or to “wing it”, or are you somewhere in between?

“Wing it” every time. Although I believe the “technical” term for my actual system is “Making it up as I go along!”. You see I am really really crap at making plans or organising myself. I keep stating I need an Intern, PA, Slave or partner to keep me organised and productive. Without one I just get too easily distracte

9. Which Invention would you really like to see Invented and why?

Time travel. It would be so COOL!!! you could go back and see how the pyramids, stonehenge, and the dead sea were built. You could witness life changing events, win on every rollover lottery there has ever been. And MOST of all, I could go back in time and change my answer to question 5.

10. Do you realise you spelled distracted wrong in your answer to Question 8.

I did? Man, sorry about that I got distracted by this AWESOME thing and lost my train of thought. Tell you what, when I get my time machine I will finish off the answer to Question 8 on my way back to change my answer to Question 5. Deal?

11. What did you want to be when you grow up?

I never planned on growing up. And to date I still have not really. I figure something cool would be err cool? or failing that maybe something where I use my mind for the betterment of mankind. I know. World leader. I think that would be a good job for me.

Apparently last night Geek Goddess Felicia Day Tweeted the following.

I did not see the tweet myself due to being asleep. What I did see was the emails waiting for me in my inbox, and the DM’s on Facebook/Twitter from different friends. Mostly along the lines of “Congratulations”, “How did you manage that”, “WOW, your fantasies have come true” and other variations on the theme.

For those of you with a confused look on your face, IN Uni I was referred to as “Pen” and my Uni friends, and SPOD friends from that time still call me Pen. Which makes the phrase “Pen exploded all over me.” a totally different meaning.

Friends. You Rock !m!.

Greetings and Salutations

I decided to write you a letter, and this is it. Yes this —-=> here <=—-

So… The letter… How shall I begin?…

Let me count the ways I could begin.

1. Dear You
2. Oi Mush
3. Ewwo
4. Greetings and salutations
5. Time for tubby bye bye??

But all these ways are just academic since I started with Greetings and Salutations at the top of the sheet of paper… So. Big Fuck Off Opening… Dum-De-Dum… Right, The letter…

Nope. It’s Gone, I can’t think of anything to write. My mind is blank, its as empty as a big empty container that’s totally empty. In the words of the poet, “I’m hanging from a cobweb in my mind, and I’m staring at a long way down.” I know, I’ll sing to myself and see if that help.

(Short Break While We Sing The Halloween Song)

OK. Back. Did you miss me? I missed me, but I’ve reloaded now and I don’t plan to miss me with my next shot. Want to come to my funeral? You welcome to come, but you have to dress as a small furry rodent.

Woo. Page two. I really should start the letter now, there is only so much gibbering that I can put down before you’ll decide to kill me… and I know you. You will kill me, cos. you hate me, really hate me, killed my babies and everything. So, without further ado I’ll start the letter…

But before I do. I just got to share the lyrics that were just sung “One minute you’re a looker who looked, and the next you’re a hooker who’s hooked” they don’t make songs like that any more… Probably for a reason!!!

I was going to do this letter carrying on from the last set of comments, but how do you reply to an insane person… you are mad… your comments prove it… just total inane ramblings, hum? I can just do total insane ramblings. Yes! That’s it, this letter will contain not one piece of sense. So, all I need now is a topic matter, and I know just the way to get it.

(Pause In Letter As The Good Catholic Boy Author Goes To SMS Someone for a Topic)

Back again and I now have a topic to talk about, yes we will discus the merits of “Glow In The Dark Sunglasses” Now personally I think that’s a brilliant idea. We all know how great sunglasses are from protecting the eyes from the harmful effects of sunlight. But a pair of sunglasses that protected the eyes from the harmful affects of glow in the dark stuff (Glow Sticks for example) well that would be a very handy thing for people to have, would make the world a much better place.  Forget Work! I’m going to make my fortune with “glow in the dark sunglasses”!!!

Bored Now!

Well it was a good idea, but I really was hoping you’d give me a topic that I could ramble on about for ages, but NO! You had to give me glow in the dark sunglasses! What am I supposed to do with an idea like that? I have no idea…

I really hope you can actually read this writing (please pretend I’m writing this to you with a real pen and everything. I feel it makes it more personal) cos. I’m not sure I can. Its like all scribbled up. Its spider scrawl, like a spider stepped into a tiny puddle of ink and walked all over a piece of paper leaving spider scribbles behind…

So. Big fuck off ending… how do we end, how do we start? That’s a bit deep and meaningful for this letter and especially this time of night so I’ll answer those and other questions like :-

1. Who was that masked man?
2. Is the Demonpengu an alien lifeform?
3. Is the YoYoMan a lifeform?
4. What is that strange growth there?
5. Will I ever make sense?

Yes all these and other questions will be answered on the next instalment of “There’s nothing in wayne’s head”. Take care. You all drive safe, good night, and remember, if you’re in a different zip code it didn’t happen…

Yours in need of a new mind
ME!!

Sean Bonner Made a Thing “http://spockisnotimpressed.tumblr.com/” Wil Wheaton suggested it get made “A Thing”, The Internetz Agreed and “A Thing” has been born.

(This is a retouched copy of My contribution to The Thing. Original one was a quick five minute knock up while working, you can see it HERE. )

But Remember, Spock is not Impressed! Unless you grab a copy of the Spock template to use to add Spock to photos which can then be submitted to the blog.

Go Internetz. Go spread The Thing and make this MEME fly.

OK, the title of this post looks wrong. I do not mean that “Will you marry me?” is becoming a FAQ, In fact I think it’s only been asked once by a semi-anonymous person on Formspring. What is becoming a FAQ is the question “Why would you want to be asked `Will you marry me?`” so I figured to save me having to answer the question more than once (and twitter has a 140 character limit) I’d answer it here.

I should explain for anyone who missed the origin of this, that it all begins with a Formspring Question I was asked.

What is the one questions you would most like to be asked on here? Only the questions, not the answer or reason

To which I answered :-

“Would you like this iPad for free?” or “Will you marry me”

Now, since the original question said only the question, not the answer or reason, I left it at that. Or I would have if people were not confused by the “Will you marry me” part of the answer, and started asking why I would like to be asked that.

So I will point out now to quieten the questioners, I would like that question on formspring from someone I was in a long term serious relationship with. Since it would mean I was in a long term serious relationship :). That is all it’s about. So my Answer is more about the person who would ask the question, rather than the question itself.

See, there is no big conspiracy, or mystery. So can normal service now resume?